Life Sucks, Then You Die
Life sucks, then you die. We used to say this as kids. The phrase at once a reminder that bad things sometimes happen, that you’re not unique in your suffering and that there’s no point in worrying about it. Although it sometimes stung a little when your friends refused to allow you a moment of self-pity, there was also no arguing with this blunt truth. Life sucks, then you die.
To those who say this is an extremely negative, perhaps inappropriate or untrue take, I would say it seems you may have misinterpreted the phrase as life only sucks, and then you die. Alas, there’s more to life than just the suck, but if we’re being honest, there’s a lot about life that just sucks.
Somewhere along the line, we made the mistake of thinking life shouldn’t be this way. We got the idea that if we’re experiencing pain, unpleasantness, disappointment or dissatisfaction that something is wrong. Moreover, if we’re experiencing these things we feel something is wrong with us. If we aren’t getting what we want, we must be unsuccessful, unlucky, unworthy or all of the above.
At some point, pain, unpleasantness, disappointment or dissatisfaction became ours, versus a simple fact of life that comes and goes. If life sometimes sucks, it’s because of me or only for me, and in my suffering, I’m alone.
With this interpretation, we’ve only succeeded in making our suffering worse. Worse in that I’m to blame, but for reasons beyond my control. Worse in that if this is mine alone to bear, there are few who will understand me, and few who can effectively help me. What’s more, having identified individually and personally with this pain, there may be no opportunity to heal at all, for this is me, it’s who I am.
The unhelpful thought is not, ‘life sucks.’ The unhelpful thought is ‘it shouldn’t be this way.’
Accepting or allowing for suffering as an unavoidable part of life may feel like a Debbie Downer, unhelpful thing to do. Yet, how helpful is our typical behavior? Our usual, habitual response to unpleasantness in any form is to ignore, run, avoid, complain, distract from or fight against. Look closely, and we find none of this has proven useful.
Our yoga practice asks of us, what if we turn the mind around? What if we were to do the exact opposite of what we are habitually compelled to do? What if we were to no longer run from suffering, but to move towards it, welcoming it as a natural and inevitable part of life? Perhaps even asking, ‘Hey there pain, what do you have for me today that’s good?’
In the Yoga Sutra, Patanjali defines yoga as yoga citta vritti nirodha, ‘yoga is when the mind stops turning things around.’ The invitation is to practice cultivating the opposite. The habitual instincts that have arisen out of causes and conditions are unhelpful. Out of habit, we have misinterpreted reality, and out of habit, we therefore interact with reality in a backward manner. With practice, we may be able to turn this all around.
That the mind gets things backward is a given in the Yoga Sutra. Patanjali jumps right into the solution. In Buddhism, we start with the first of the four noble truths, to live is to suffer. Having accepted this, we can turn to the solution. In 12-step programs, the first step is to recognize our powerlessness. We might even describe ‘original sin’ as an invitation to put our faith in a spiritual path.
We cannot free ourselves from suffering by following the mind in its current state. We need help. The solution is to turn from the way we’ve always done things and take refuge in something new.
Accepting and allowing for the truth that life sucks is step one. Accepting and allowing for the truth that we cannot solve this problem with the same habits that created it comes next. In this step, there’s a realization that yes, it’s our habit that makes this life painful. Our habit of denying, ignoring, avoiding or arguing with reality has not been beneficial. Neither has been the tendency we have of turning toward the three poisons (of ignorance, craving or avoidance) as a solution.
I’ll free myself from this pain by ignoring it. Let me just scroll for a second, have another glass of wine, go on a vacation.
I’d be free from this pain if I’d only get what I’ve been wanting. A higher salary, a new job, a different partner will make all the difference.
I’d be free from this pain if only this one thing that’s been bothering me would go away. I just need a different boss, a different neighbor, to lose ten pounds or to heal from this cancer.
These ‘solutions’ might provide temporary relief, but they do not offer liberation, as they are rooted in the paradigm that our okay-ness is based on the world being just one way. The truth is, this world sometimes sucks, and then we die. Step one is to accept that there is suffering. Are we ready for this?
Buddhism has several ways of helping us to recognize the predicament we’re in; that the world ‘out there’ will never be the solution, as it is impermanent, ever-changing and thereby doomed to disappoint. Any approach to liberation that bypasses step 1 - the acceptance that life sucks and we will die - is bound to fall short. What is freedom with conditions? Well, it’s not freedom at all.
The following are a few practices that can help us make space for the truth of suffering…
Define Suffering
Dukkha is a Sanskrit word used in Buddhist and Yogic teachings, typically translated as ‘suffering.’ What does it truly mean, however, to suffer? Buddhist philosophy breaks down suffering into three types; the suffering of suffering, the suffering of change, and the suffering of existence. Exploring these three in more depth helps us find nuance in our discontentment, and offers insight into the possible way out.
Meditate on Death
Meditation on death is potentially a scary proposal, as our death is typically our greatest fear, whether or not we’re aware of that. To turn toward death with a gentle, loving curiosity, is to explore the three types of suffering. This body will get old, get sick and one day die. I do not know when, change is unpredictable. Meditating on death also motivates us to take care of the one thing that can help us at the moment of death, our state of mind.
Get Clear on the Three Poisons
At the root of our suffering is ignorance, the first of the three poisons. To be ignorant does not mean we’re not smart, it simply means we’ve made a mistake. We think we know how reality works, but we’ve been wrong. This ignorance leads to craving and aversion, the other 2 poisons. Bringing mindfulness to how the 3 poisons color our view of reality and compel us to act in unhelpful ways can help break their spell.
Practice Radical Acceptance
Mindfulness is radical acceptance. When it comes to suffering, this practice can be challenging. Yet it’s not until we accept and allow for the truth of reality that we can begin to address harm in any beneficial, useful manner. Life sucks sometimes. The radical acceptance of suffering frees us from wasting effort on trying to ignore or avoid it. It allows us to flow with life as it is, with all its ups and downs.
Learn Tonglen Meditation
Allowing for the existence of suffering is a precursor to tonglen meditation. With tonglen, we intentionally invite suffering into our hearts, letting it break us open so that the light within (our true, compassionate nature) can shine through, dissolving all that is painful. This advanced practice trains us to courageously meet suffering with a wide open heart. When we do, we find that our hearts have immeasurable potential to respond to all that hurts with love.
I’ll leave you here with this, an invitation to sit with the problem, despite the potential discomfort. Sit with the phrase ‘life sucks and then you die’ and contemplate if it feels true. The spiritual path goes on, and on and on beyond that with all sorts of practices for turning the mind around, to move toward liberation.
The funny thing is, all we need to do is to stop ignoring the problem. A deep dive into the nature of suffering lets us see that yes, life sucks, but it doesn’t only suck. We are not the suck, and the suck is not happening to us. Accept the suck and the truth of your mortality for what it is, and just maybe, you’ll see that you are wholly (holy?) ok.